Hounded by the Black Dog
November 7th 2007 14:43
It has hit me like the proverbial tonne of bricks. With all its force and all its weight, I am stooped by the pressure of carrying it. My limbs feel like lead and every step is an effort. Every keystroke, too. You wouldn't think the typing would take much effort; particularly with all the ruminating going on in my mind, but it is physically exhausting to exorcise those thoughts through writing.
I have, instead of blogging, found strange mechanical comfort in computer Solitaire, perhaps a metaphor for the state I find myself in. There is something comforting in the clicking mouse, and the sense of doing something and engaging with my environment in some way. My mother found comfort, I recall, from Tennis on the TV. For me, this is a depressing reminder of what I lost of childhood as I watched her suffer in a silent haze of emotionless existence. No joy, no tears, no communication. I hate Tennis because of these connotations.
It is very late, but I am lucid, so now I write. My arms feel less dead and I have the motivation. I've had some creative moments in framing photos I've taken of my family. I cooked tonight. All these things are small achievements, but a source of pride for myself, none the less. Perhaps I achieved so much because it is Wednesday?
I live for Wednesdays. I teach Scripture on Wednesdays, and The Chaser is on TV. Two of my favourite things. I think my spiral began last Wednesday when the episode was not up to scratch. Also, this is the post-Summer Heights High period.
Whilst it was strangely disturbing, I think I enjoyed the experience of being transported back to a high school with similar characters as the ones I encountered there. In schools, even ones with such dysfunction, I feel myself. Even the Jonahs of my world are a crucial part of school life. Without them, life becomes mundane. When dealing with a Jonah you become a crucial individual in this world. If you weren't important to their sense of self; if they didn't get a buzz from the reactions you have to their behaviour, then they would lose their pupose. School's like that. Teachers get validation from working with the kids as much as the kids from the teachers.
I think Wednesdays are crucial to my sense of self, because I teach (therefore I am...), and because I thrive on satire. Perhaps its seeing others mocked for their stupidity and flaws? It makes me feel superior; I get the joke. Mainstream Australia doesn't seem to get the Chaser. I certainly do not see myself as part of Mainstream Australia; with their lack of deconstruction of any idea presented to them. How else, if not through mindless acceptance of anything said by he who shouts loudest, could Howard get in, Alan Jones have an audience, and Today Tonight be callled a current affairs show?
Ah, satire. I feel better for writing it, and for thinking about it. I think I need to download some Chaser podcasts tomorrow. They're quicker acting than an increased dose of Zoloft, and are less fattening than serotonin loaded, yet calorie rich Cadbury's. They are a good prescription.
If only there was a comedy TGA equivalent, that could ensure the potency of each dose was consistent?
I have, instead of blogging, found strange mechanical comfort in computer Solitaire, perhaps a metaphor for the state I find myself in. There is something comforting in the clicking mouse, and the sense of doing something and engaging with my environment in some way. My mother found comfort, I recall, from Tennis on the TV. For me, this is a depressing reminder of what I lost of childhood as I watched her suffer in a silent haze of emotionless existence. No joy, no tears, no communication. I hate Tennis because of these connotations.
I live for Wednesdays. I teach Scripture on Wednesdays, and The Chaser is on TV. Two of my favourite things. I think my spiral began last Wednesday when the episode was not up to scratch. Also, this is the post-Summer Heights High period.
Whilst it was strangely disturbing, I think I enjoyed the experience of being transported back to a high school with similar characters as the ones I encountered there. In schools, even ones with such dysfunction, I feel myself. Even the Jonahs of my world are a crucial part of school life. Without them, life becomes mundane. When dealing with a Jonah you become a crucial individual in this world. If you weren't important to their sense of self; if they didn't get a buzz from the reactions you have to their behaviour, then they would lose their pupose. School's like that. Teachers get validation from working with the kids as much as the kids from the teachers.
Ah, satire. I feel better for writing it, and for thinking about it. I think I need to download some Chaser podcasts tomorrow. They're quicker acting than an increased dose of Zoloft, and are less fattening than serotonin loaded, yet calorie rich Cadbury's. They are a good prescription.
If only there was a comedy TGA equivalent, that could ensure the potency of each dose was consistent?
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